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So, your blog probably isn’t very good. That’s why you’re here, silly.

How do I know this? Because I’m the unquestioned expert and verified guru. Since you came here, you’re asking for my unqualified opinion. Now who’s stupid?

Probably both of us.

Anyway, here’s your list. Enjoy it – that’s an order.

1. You’re An Idiot

Well, yeah. This is a crucial realization for everything in life.

When you know you’re not all that and a bag of potato chips, the world’s your oyster. People spend way too much time thinking they’re smart, and good, and good-looking, and a bunch of other stuff that in no way will contribute to a better blog. Get off your golden throne.

Stop comparing yourself. You are who you are. The only person you can out-do is you.

2. Make It A Priority

Foolish. Why wouldn’t you put your blog as a priority? How many times do I have to tell you that you’ve got to put some work into this if you want to see it do well.

Oh, right. You’re clueless as to what’s going on with the internet right now.

Have you heard of content marketing? No? Then google it. I’m not going to define what it is here. Do the hard work yourself.

Well, I’ll give you this much – you create regular, value-adding content, like I’m doing right now (it’s somewhat suspect), and you’ll win more on the internets. Cha-ching.

Got it? Good. Let’s move on.

3. Work Smarter

You’re probably working hard already. Everybody does. That gets you nowhere, dumb-dumb.

Look, I know you probably eat chips in your mom’s basement while watching TV every night, but I’m trying to lift your spirits a bit.

Anyway, it’s not about working hard, man. It’s about working smart. Smart wins every time.

You can have the best post in the world, but if it doesn’t have a fun and interesting title, no one will click on it. Make it clickable, man. Do it. Right away.

And, just be smarter about what you’re doing. Duh.

4. Make A Plan

It’s like they always say – a man without a goal is like a dog without a tail. No, that wasn’t it. What was it again…?

Anyway, you’ve got to have a plan for your blog, bro. I know you don’t, because you’re not winning. If you did, you’d be winning more, and that’s what Borkmeow is here for.

Flying without a plan? No captain does that.

5. Make It About Other People

If all you do is write about yourself, no one cares anyway. We’ve all got problems, man. Suck it up, buttercup.

Write about other people, and how cool they are. Maybe, occasionally, sometimes, on a rare occasion, criticize other people. Constructively. Nothing wrong with a bit of controversy.

Actually, you should just outright insult those blogging gurus you admire so much. Maybe that’ll get you some blog lovin’.

6. Add Value With Your Blog

Free fries would be extra value. A buy-one-get-one-free deal is a confusing promotion, but it adds extra value. And, let’s face it – it makes big, greedy corporations more money. Support the man!

People like value. You can define it how you want to, but fundamentally it’s what your readers want. If you had any readers. Oh snap!

So, this is what you do – you write a post, then you add value. Simple!

7. Help People

Are you helping people? Of course not. You missed the whole point of life let alone blogging.

When you help people, they start crying and tell you how much you’ve impacted them. Then, you can use that gushing message to draw in others. Sneaky.

It’s called testimonials, sister. We all use ‘em to sell our $1997 offers.

8. Focus

Well you can’t write about everything, right? That’s what we do, I guess, but there are some common threads, you know?

You’ve got to figure out what to write about. No one cares all that much that you were wearing pink underpants yesterday. That clearly violates the principles already laid out.

Anyway, a niche is a good thing to have. Get one. Set yourself up in a neat little corner. That’s the real secret of niche marketing.

9.  Make It Regular

Just keep adding new stuff all the time. It helps with SEO or some such.

Get consistent.

If you don’t show up, people know. They read the attendance sheet. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t have any traffic to your blog today. It doesn’t matter if you’ve ever had any traffic to your blog. People know when you aren’t showing up and publishing at 8:11 AM on the dot, or whenever you’ve committed to publishing. Because the world revolves around you and you’re clearly more interesting than anyone reading your wall scratch.

10. Do It Right

When it comes to life, there are no shortcuts – only haircuts. And, you need a damn good haircut to impress your visitors out there.

Just keep doing the work. If you build it, they might come. If you build it right, they will probably come.

Just do it right, dummy. That’s why you’re not winning.

Better Blog Conclusion

Hmm… yeah, let’s see… what keywords haven’t we already used?

Content, content marketing, blog, blogging, blogger, make money online, blog tips, blog advice, blog expert, blog guru, blog lists, blog hero, blog marketing, blog distribution, blog syndication…

No one’s ever accused me of keyword stuffing an article like this.

Well, that’s all from me. But I know this is the best advice you’ve ever gotten, so you’d better put it into practice now. You’re going to get so many visitors. Prepare for the onslaught of traffic your blog will get.

And, don’t forget to borkmark the site. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it (hint, hint)?